


War-Chants

by azaleaknight



Category: Ancient History RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Eurovision Song Contest, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 15:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10924902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/azaleaknight/pseuds/azaleaknight
Summary: HannibalTheMannibal:what was your Eurovision entry even, yoScipioAfricanus:yeah, like yours was any better? i mean, like, a troupe of ice-skating elephants crossing endless mountains? did you send that idea in, bro?Two frenemies talk trash over chat about the most important event of the premodern world: EUROVISION!!!





	War-Chants

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sevenofspade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevenofspade/gifts).



**HannibalTheMannibal:** sup

 **ScipioAfricanus:** sup, bro

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** what was your Eurovision entry even, yo

 **ScipioAfricanus:** yeah, like yours was any better? i mean, like, a troupe of ice-skating elephants crossing endless mountains? did you send that idea in, bro?

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** you're just jealous you didn't think of it first. face it, bro, our elephants can outdance anyone from Carthage anytime

 **ScipioAfricanus:** it's just really sad that you had to resort to THIS WORD IS NOT APPROVED FOR INTERNATIONAL DISCOURSE BY THE CENTURIATE ASSEMBLY OF ROME. PLEASE REPHRASE AND TRY AGAIN. THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE FUNDED BY YOUR ANNUAL TRIBUTES.

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** yo, i'm getting that censorship message from your end, dude. it's hilarious that you people can't even say "fuck" or "piss" on EurovisionChat when your national poet is Catullus

 **ScipioAfricanus:** at least our poets use proper meter and feet! not like your THIS WORD IS ALSO NOT APPROVED FOR INTERNATIONAL DISCOURSE BY THE CENTURIATE ASSEMBLY OF ROME. WE SUGGEST THAT YOU CONSULT THE DICTIONARY OF EUPHEMISMS. CONTINUED VIOLATION WILL INCUR A FINE. OR WE MIGHT JUST DISPATCH A MAGISTRATE TO YOUR DOMUS. YOUR CHOICE. THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE FUNDED BY YOUR ANNUAL TRIBUTES.

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** lolwhut

 **ScipioAfricanus:** d a m m i t

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** also, that quincunx formation your backup singers performed is so last year

 **ScipioAfricanus:** what, because filling the stage with elephants is the height of choreography? to say nothing of that scene in your video with all the boats

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** at least we know how to build boats. i bet you can't even swim.

 **ScipioAfricanus:** anyway, the couplets in the Carthaginian entry were just pathetic. "I will sail/ beyond the whale" for srs?

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** you're just salty that your cgi department couldn't come up with convincing particle effects

 **ScipioAfricanus:** yeah, it's just like you Carthaginians to rely on sfx instead of good musicianship

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** you call that caterwauling good musicianship? you need singers who can actually sing, yo, not just belt out notes in the hopes of hitting a pitch

 **ScipioAfricanus:** beats processing everything with autotune if you ask me, yo, you might as well be sending vocaloids to Eurovision

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** at least our vocaloid-alikes can sing melodies. what good is it having a bunch of Muses if none of your singers can perform decently?

 **ScipioAfricanus:** hey, at least we're not sending in dancing bears like Westeros

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** okay, i'll grant you that.

 **ScipioAfricanus:** and at least we also have hot guys in ours

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** our guys are hotter than yours, dude

 **ScipioAfricanus:** yeah? we'll see when the results come in

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** what, you're going to stay up until they do?

 **ScipioAfricanus:** why not? not like there's a war on

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** lol

 **ScipioAfricanus:** i guess yours wasn't completely awful. i mean, in spite of all the obvious problems with it. i kind of admired the bit with the pincer formation. it's impressive that your dancers were able to not trip over their feet long enough to carry out the maneuver.

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** well, thx bro. that duet segment in your entry wasn't all bad either. what were the names of the singers? Gnaeus Servilius Geminus and Gaius Flaminius Nepos? they almost sang in tune with each other, which was pretty cool.

 **ScipioAfricanus:** yeah, save it, bro

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** just trying to make you feel better, dude. it's not your fault that you romans are cursed with incompetent singers.

 **ScipioAfricanus:** whatevs

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** you romans with your ridiculous long-ass names, yo

 **ScipioAfricanus:** our long-THIS WORD IS NOT APPROVED FOR INTERNATIONAL DISCOURSE BY THE CENTURIATE ASSEMBLY OF ROME. PLEASE CONSIDER USING A LESS LOADED TERM, SUCH AS "JACKAL," "SANDWORM," OR "EWOK." THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE FUNDED BY YOUR ANNUAL TRIBUTES.

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** do you not find that seriously fucking annoying, dude?

 **ScipioAfricanus:** eh, whatevs

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** you guys never think of rising up against your linguistic oppressors?

 **ScipioAfricanus:** nah, it's cool. we can swear all we want at home. we're just trying to protect you delicate foreigners.

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** you messing with me, bro?

 **ScipioAfricanus:** i would never f u c k with a child of hamilcar barca

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** yeah whatever, dude

 **ScipioAfricanus:** well okay, maybe i would, not like i have anything better to do while waiting for this endless scirian "war-chant" to end

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** chill out, man, what are you going to do? send a wooden horse full of viruses to invade my computer's operating system?

 **ScipioAfricanus:** uh, dude, i think you're mistaking us for the achaeans. like, totally different.

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** if you say so. i dunno, it's, like, awfully hard to tell you guys apart sometime.

 **ScipioAfricanus:** them's fighting words, dude

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** fine, whatevs, don't get your toga in a twist

 **ScipioAfricanus:** yikes, i thought i was kidding about this scirian war-chant. i thought we were, like, limited to three minutes?!

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** maybe someone like bribed the judges or something, fuck if i know?

 **ScipioAfricanus:** for reals. oh well, at least rome and carthage both made it this far, you know? 

**HannibalTheMannibal:** trudat

 **ScipioAfricanus:** i mean, not like the others are real contenders compared to us, yeah?

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** you said it, bro

 **ScipioAfricanus:** oh thank all the gods, the war-chant's over

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** so now we just have to wait for the votes to come in?

 **ScipioAfricanus:** i guess so. d a m m i t i'm hungry and the pizza place doesn't do deliveries this late

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** haha what you get for not stocking up while you have the chance

 **ScipioAfricanus:** yeah whatevs, oh hey they're announcing the results

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** ...

 **ScipioAfricanus:** ...

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** you're shitting me, the scirian war-chant won the semis?! i call shenanigans

 **ScipioAfricanus:** maybe i'm overthinking this, but it really feels like the end of an era. the death of good music

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** you're telling me

 **ScipioAfricanus:** i sorta zoned out lol, who's the scirian singer anyway?

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** lemme scrub back and find the name for you

 **ScipioAfricanus:** thx dude

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** no prob

 **ScipioAfricanus:** haha bet there's a LOT of scrubbing

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** yeah, this track is epic and not in a good way...okay, here, i found it. some dude called odoacer?

 **ScipioAfricanus:** never heard of him

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** haha me neither. still, everyone knows that we're the ones who'll go down in the histories, yeah? as opposed to some punk-ass scirian dude who can't even sing well. i'm sure we'll hear all the dirt later. anyway, i need to get some shut-eye. same place, same time tomorrow to play civ against you?

 **ScipioAfricanus:** sounds good, prepare to go down in flames, bro

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** yeah, you just keep telling yourself that

 **ScipioAfricanus:** night

 **HannibalTheMannibal:** night


End file.
